I’m worried my anxiety is going to push people away. I’m worried it’s going to make me come across as a boring, bland, insecure person.
Now that I’m with my forever person, I would never dream of lying to him, but there have been times in the past when I’ve lied to guys about my anxiety in order to look more ‘normal.’
1. I’ve lied about being fine with last minute plans. I need my schedule planned out ahead of time. I want to know what the day holds as soon as I wake up in the morning. I can’t stand spontaneous, last minute plans, but early on in relationships I have pretended to be adventurous. I have pretended to be up for anything. I have pretended it was no big deal when plans were set an hour before I was meant to leave the house even though it made me a nervous wreck.
2. I’ve lied about having plans. On the days when I couldn’t bring myself to get showered and dressed at the last second, I’ve lied about being busy. I’ve lied about working late. I’ve lied about hanging out with another set of friends. I’ve lied to make it look like I have a thriving social life — instead of admitting I’m too anxious to socialize on that particular night.
3. I’ve lied about whether my feelings were hurt. Drama makes me even more anxious than usual. I avoid confrontation at all costs. That’s why there have been a few times when a boy has acting appropriately in our relationship and I kept quiet. I didn’t say anything about how he hurt my feelings because it was easier to keep my emotions to myself. It was easier to lie.
4. I’ve lied about liking the partying life. I don’t like loud, crowded places. I can’t stand going to nightclubs and bars — but there have been a few times when I agreed to meet a guy there anyway. I freaked out in my car on the way there (without letting him know) and escaped to the bathroom to freak out some more (and came back to our table with a fake, plastered smile).
5. I’ve lied about my reasonings for stupid, little things. I like to sit on the end of aisles so it’s easier to escape (and so I don’t have to push past people to get to my seat). I like to bring books with me to stop strangers from making small talk. I like to text and email because making calls is too intimidating. I’ve lied about some of these things (or at least avoided mentioning some of these things) to avoid looking high-maintenance or snobby or weird.
6. I’ve lied about how hard it is for me to live a regular life. Some people don’t understand how bad my anxiety is because I try my hardest to come across as ‘normal.’ But in reality, there have been days when I’ve walked out of grocery stores without buying what I needed because I couldn’t find the courage to speak to the cashier. There were other days when I called out from work or school because I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed. Early on in relationships, I always felt weird about mentioning my anxiety, but it’s a big part of me. If you don’t know about my anxiety, you really don’t know me at all.